The Empathy Problem.

When one comes across the word ‘empathy’ in counselling, it is with a positive and cheerful connotation. We are told that counsellors and therapists are supposed to be empathetic, that empathy allows us to gauge things from the perspective of the client. But what if the client is the one with an overactive empathetic personality? On paper, it sounds great- if empathy allows us to understand other people’s perspectives and feelings, it should allow the client to easily work through most conflicts in their life by finding common ground with their friends, family, and colleagues. The reality of the matter, however, is much more complex. Within my sessions, I have come across a lot of clients, especially those around the young adulthood and late-teens, who suffer from being too empathetic. Of course, they do not choose to word it so, in fact they do not even seem to understand the dynamic at play here. Only while being on the receiving end of this conundrum can one understand that it is empathy that is acting as an instigator, pulling the internal strings for them.

One of the most common complaints I hear from clients is this- ‘I am there for my friends as much as I can, but they do not reciprocate that care for me.’ Another one is ‘I am usually stuck playing the mediator for any arguments within the family, either for siblings and parents or within parents.’ In a glance, these can simply seem like isolating, high intensity emotional situations that lead people to emotional arousal and issues like anxiety and depression. Upon probing deeper, we can understand the way in which empathy pulls the strings for such dynamics behind the scenes. An empathetic individual usually becomes apparent to friends and family as the “good listener”, someone who does not judge them too harshly or present a lot of friction when engaged in discussions. This encourages them to create a dynamic where the empath ends up becoming an unofficial counsel and problem solver for people.

The empath takes this eagerness to share and confide in them as a sign for emotional closeness and social validation. They also refrain from sharing too much with their friends and family as they are sensitive to the problems they might have, which reinforces a care-taking dynamic. The empath ends up in a one-sided social support system, where they simply give and do not receive anything back. Interestingly, simply being exposed to an empathetic individual does not by itself push people to try and reciprocate this help, mainly as they do not fully understand this as a deliberate attempt to help but simply see it as the kind of person empath is. When the empath in turn tries to seek support from these systems, they can often be labelled as too sensitive or needy. The dynamic in place does not leave a lot of room for providing help.

Another thing we see is that these empaths then struggle with their internal emotional regulation due to this situation. On the one hand, they receive no outlet for their emotions, while also being bombarded with emotions from everyone else that they end up internalising. For such people social interactions end up becoming draining and isolating, rather than helpful and restorative. When these people try to then draw boundaries, simply to protect their own peace and energy, the people who were originally drawn to them due to their abilities now register this as selfish and hostile. They feel as if this person is being over dramatic about their needs and feelings, as they are not accustomed to such reactions from them. This further causes the empaths to feel as if ‘they are too much’ or that they are ‘being selfish’ when they ask for the same care they have come to show others.

In such cases, it is very crucial to help the client understand that their empathy, like any other personality trait, needs to be honed and controlled. A person who is overly empathetic to everyone around them runs the risk of reaching emotional burnout, as well as being completely isolated in their social circle due to their inability to form egalitarian social bonds. There need to practiced boundary setting, asking for empathy and most importantly- internal work. An empath can only properly navigate their life and social bonds if they can regulate their emotional state and distinguish between their own emotions and those that they have picked up from people around them.

Therapy can be a great place for people with heightened empathy to start recognising and labelling these social dynamics so that they can then work on detangling them. It becomes crucial for these people, who unwittingly end up playing a caretaker for most of their social connections, to then experience a safe space where they can receive care and attention for once. Here, practices to regulate emotions can be slowly introduced to these individuals to ensure that they can maintain their connections beyond taking therapy and choose whom they decide to invest their time and energy into.